


Through it All, I Won't Break My Promise

by InsecurelyPerfect



Series: ED Vent Fics [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Close Friendship, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Forced Recovery, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hopeful Ending, Implied past eating disorder, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Bang Chan, Suicidal Thoughts, chansung if you squint, i dont think i actually said seungmins name im sorry, laxative abuse, not suitable for those with eating disorders, struggling to eat, supportive friends, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:32:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22571041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsecurelyPerfect/pseuds/InsecurelyPerfect
Summary: Han Jisung may or may not have made a crucial mistake leading to his members finding out his biggest secret.or:author still isn't fucking recovered and is fucking losing his mind and this is keeping him from going off the deep end boyosDO NOT RECOMMEND READING IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH EATING OR EATING DISORDERS
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han
Series: ED Vent Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900300
Comments: 2
Kudos: 211





	Through it All, I Won't Break My Promise

**Author's Note:**

> follow my instagram: honeyvoicehwang  
> twitter: honeyvoicehwang

That damned scale. It was all because of that damned scale. If only Jisung had remembered to put it away, then maybe he wouldn't have been in that predicament in the first place. 

He'd be lying is he said anger wasn't the first emotion he felt, but only with himself. The follow-up emotions were embarrassment and anxiety (in that order). And as much as Jisung loved Chan, he would have very much appreciated it if his hyung backed off for just once. 

But because Chan didn't know how to do that, it was how the supposed 3RACHA meeting turned into an interrogation while Changbin was supposedly stuck at the dorms. "Jisung," Chan said, waving his hand in front of the rapper's face. Jisung willed himself not to look up. He knew that if he did, the "meeting" would be over and Chan wouldn't let him leave until he was satisfied with the answers he was getting.

His hands found their ways running through his hair, tugging it away from his scalp, stressed. His breathing picked up. "Jisung," Chan repeated, quieter, gentler. He clearly recognized that there was something wrong. Jisung still didn't lookup.

Instead, he swallowed a hard and difficult breath before trying to speak. "Changbin hyung isn't coming, is he?" The words formed a question, but Jisung's tone gave away the fact that he knew Changbin wasn't. The lack of an answer from Chan was only further confirmation. "Did you even ask him to come?"

This time, Chan spoke, but he didn't say what Jisung was expecting him to say. "Jisung-ah, what's going on with you? Are you eating enough?" Jisung could hear how worried Chan sounded. His heart broke, knowing that he'd have to lie to the older man. 

Jisung looked up, his eyes blown out, wide with fear. His jaw went slack as he struggled to get words out. His mouth mysteriously went dry. He poked his tongue out between his thin lips. "Yeah," he breathed.

Chan's eyes held disbelief against Jisung's blatant lies. He reached his arm out and touched Jisung's shoulder. "I know you're lying." At that, Jisung adamantly shook his head, trying to refute his hyung's words. "Please," Chan practically begged, "tell me what's wrong. I care for you so much and I just want to help you."

Jisung's gaze fell to the ground. "I - I don't think I can," he said in a small voice. He didn't look back up, but he heard papers rustling and Chan's jacket swishing against itself as he moved his arms. It didn't take long for Chan's arms to make their way around the younger boy, enveloping Jisung in the warmth he so desperately needed.

"Take your time," Chan whispered against Jisung's hair.

The two boys went quiet for a few moments while Jisung collected his thoughts and Chan allowed him to. Jisung's stomach took that time to release a deafening growl, the sound echoing throughout the otherwise empty studio. That caught Chan's attention. He slightly pulled back from Jisung's frail body, causing a shiver to run down Jisung's back. "Sungie, did you eat today?"

Jisung hummed, hoping that that would be enough for Chan.

"What did you have?"

The question made Jisung's heart leap. He hadn't actually eaten anything for the past two and a half days. He hadn't really anticipated Chan asking what he'd eaten. He glanced at the clock. 7. He (usually) would have eaten breakfast, lunch, and some snacks by that time. He always ate dinner later when the producer line met. He took another moment to think.

"Well, I had some ramen around lunchtime, a few pieces of watermelon, an omelet, and some kimchi this morning, and some bags of chips throughout the day," he said, trying to accept the bitter taste of lies on his tongue.

He hated how gross and manipulative he felt, but there was a little voice in his mind. _You're doing great. Keep it up,_ it said. _The results will be worth it,_ it promised. Jisung relished the words, craving to hear how good he was doing again. He wanted to make the voice proud.

"Weird," Chan said, "because you've been with me nearly all day, and I don't recall seeing you eat anything. I also texted the other boys and they all said that none of them recall having seen you eat in days." Chan crossed his arms. "Something else that worries me is the scale I saw left out in your room." Jisung didn't respond. "Jisung, are you eating?" Chan's voice wasn't accusatory, which Jisung appreciated, but he still didn't like how directly Chan had asked him.

Jisung bit his lip. He gave Chan a curt nod. "Of course I am, hyung." His voice sounded hoarse and quiet like he was trying to hold back from crying. His throat felt raw and it hurt to speak. His heart thumped against his ribcage. His eyes stung and his nose throbbed with heat as he tried his best to stop himself from crying. That wouldn't prove his innocence. It would only show his guilt.

Neither boy said anything for a long time. Jisung violently wiped his eyes against the sleeves of his shirt and Chan threw the pen he was holding on the desk. It clattered loudly against the desk in the silent room.

"Do you want to just go home?" Chan asked, his voice low. 

Jisung shifted, his clothes suddenly chafing, as though they had shrunk a couple of sizes just on his body. He tugged gently at the neck of his tee. That was his chance. To escape the conversation, to pretend like everything was fine, to push this all down further. Something was holding him back. He couldn't make himself say what he really wanted to.

"N-no," came his reply. "We, uh, we need to get this done." Jisung picked up the pen that Chan had thrown in front of him and put the headphones back on, jotting one word, half-assed notes to the music he was listening to. He knew Chan was staring at him. The feeling made him itch like he was being examined under a microscope.

The boys worked in silence.

\--

Jisung tried to leave before Chan, but he wouldn't allow it. Chan also seemed to forget that not everyone was able to function on a half-hour of sleep every night as he could. Jisung rolled his eyes, understanding that Chan was just looking out for him, but annoyed because he just wanted to go home and sleep.

That wasn't true.

He didn't want to go home or sleep. His stomach was twisting in all sorts of uncomfortable and tight knots as his hungry grew. He figured if he took a laxative or two he would be able to get rid of that sick feeling. 

Sure, he knew that actually eating would get rid of that pain immediately, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. 

Jisung bit his lip. The studio wasn't his favorite place to do it, but he was certain that it would be fine. He quietly stuck his hand in his bag, looking through disorganized papers and strategically planted empty food wrappers in search of his pack of laxatives. Chan didn't know he had them, so there was no way they would be gone like that... right? 

Except, he'd been searching for seven minutes and was getting frantic and loud and still couldn't find them. Fuck, did he forget to bring them? No, no, no, he couldn't have. He always brought them everywhere. Always. He _never_ forgot them. _Ever._ Jisung started pulling papers and pens and books out of his bag. He was too anxious to care about the mess he was making.

"Sung?" Chan's voice called in the distance. Almost as though he was too far for Jisung to properly hear him, not that he had the mentality to respond anyways.

"Sung?" Chan said again. It sounded like he was a little bit closer this time, but Jisung didn't know what to do, he didn't think that he would be able to respond until he knew where his laxatives were. 

Fuck, he hadn't even eaten anything, yet he still needed them. Reliant. That's what he was. Reliant on those pills that would only work if he'd eaten anything, which he hadn't. So what was he doing? Preparing for the food that he inevitably knew wouldn't even come? Yeah, probably, that's what he was doing. Shit, he didn't even know.

Tears began to blur his vision, his face going hard and purple as he held his breath, trying not to let the tears fall. He was at the bottom of his bag, and there was nothing there. Fuck. What happened to them? No one even knew they were there, so where the _fuck were they?_

"Jisung!" Finally, Chan's voice was loud enough to get through to Jisung and he looked at Chan, his eyes wide and wild, tears threatening to spill, veins nearly popping. He was biting his lip so hard it felt like it was going to burst in his mouth. 

Jisung picked his teeth up out of his lip and opened his mouth. "What?" he whispered, unable to speak any louder than that.

"Mate, what're you looking for?"

Jisung shook his head. "N-nothing. I don't... I can't even... it's not..." He couldn't finish a sentence. He sat back on the ground, pulling his knees to his chest and his hood over his head, before burying his head in his knees. His chest was got tight and his head throbbed. He couldn't think, didn't want to think, didn't want to cry, just wanted to stop existing. 

He wanted everything to stop, for Chan to go away, for the weight to melt off of his body. It was all just so fucking hard and Jisung wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to handle it all.

Chan left him alone for a couple of minutes before a tap on his knee made him lookup. In front of his face was an empty container, every single pill popped out. " _I-is this what you were looking for, Ji?"_ Chan's accent was heavy and low. Chan was good about getting answers without making you feel like you're in trouble, no matter what it was that he was talking to you about.

Jisung could hardly believe that they were gone. He didn't remember finishing them, but it would make sense as to why he couldn't find them. Thrown in the bottom of his bag with a half-assed promise to himself that he would finally throw out all of the wrappers swimming at the bottom. Of course, though, he'd forgotten. He always forgot. It was why his bag was so messy and nearly a hazard to himself.

He shakily reached out a hand and grabbed the empty pack from Chan's hand. He could hardly form words, so he just nodded wordlessly.

Chan crouched down to Jisung's level, pulling the smaller boy into his chest. It was that action that broke Jisung and he just started to cry uncontrollably. Loud and big, wet tears falling at a pace faster than Changbin's rapping. He was gasping and shaking violently in Chan's chest, and Chan, being the best leader/person alive, was just sitting there, rubbing Jisung's back and letting him get it all out.

Jisung didn't know when it happened, but at some point, Chan had started whispering sweet nothings into his ear and it was probably one of the most calming things Jisung had ever experienced in his life. 

The pair stayed like that for a while, and it didn't take long for Jisung to calm down. He was reduced to hiccupping and nuzzling his face in Chan's chest in a matter of minutes. Never once did Chan stop rubbing his back.

"Baby, you know I know what's happening, right?"

At those words, Jisung tensed, not wanting to acknowledge what the other was saying. Jisung shook his head, not lifting his head out of Chan's chest. "I dunno what you mean."

Chan sighed and pulled Jisung off of him so that Jisung would look him in the eyes. "My sister had an eating disorder, Ji. I know the signs and behaviors. I helped her, and I can help you, too, if you let me. But you have to be willing, that's the only way it's gonna work."

Jisung averted his gaze, still not wanting to have this conversation. it was too late, too early, he didn't know. He only knew that it was after midnight and he was tired and Chan showed no signs of finishing up any time soon, and there was no way in hell Chan was going to let him go back to the dorms by himself. Maybe he could call Woojin? Nah, he was probably asleep. Felix would probably still be awake playing Fortnite, but he didn't really want to explain to the younger why he wanted to leave and Chan wouldn't let him.

"Ji, you know I'm not leaving you alone tonight, so don't even think about calling another member. We have pillows, blankets, and the pull out bed for late nights, and you know this is going to be one, so I suggest you do that, hm?" Chan's tone was soft, yet commanding. It was wild how direct he could be at the same time as being one of the nicest people alive.

Jisung nodded, standing up on weak legs and stumbling only minimally on his way over to the closet where they kept all of their supplies. Supplies including food. His stomach rumbled quietly at the thought of eating something. Hesitantly, he grabbed one of the granola bars and stuffed it in his pocket before Chan noticed. He didn't know why, but Jisung thought he would actually combust if Chan knew he was taking food.

\--

Waking up in the studio the next morning was rough. The members surrounded Jisung, worry painted on all of their faces except for Chan, who just looked tired. He mouthed an apology to Jisung.

"I assume Chan hyung told you." It wasn't a question.

"We kinda... forced him to," Felix said sheepishly. "We were worried. What he was texting us certainly didn't help." Jisung nodded, understanding their reasons. Hell, he knew they didn't mean any harm, it would just be... significantly more difficult to engage in behaviors now that everyone knew. He just hoped that no one went through his stuff back at the dorms.

"Hyung, I'm sorry, but we had to go through everything and make sure you weren't hiding anything. We threw out your pills and measuring tapes. We can get more when you're healed. We also removed the scissors from your room and Woojin hyung already talked to JYP PD-nim and they agreed it's better if you stick to waxing for now," Jeongin rambled. He was going on about the things that Jisung was and wasn't allowed to do and for how long. Honestly, he kind of tuned it all out.

He didn't want to hear it, and knowing that the scales were gone, his measuring tapes were gone, his pills were gone... it made him anxious. He didn't know how he was going to be able to make it through without them. Fuck, it had been so long since his disorder had started... he couldn't remember a time where he wasn't struggling with food. If he had to guess when it was... maybe the middle of middle school?

Jisung started shaking again. He shook his head, eyes blurring and unable to think. His heart was racing and his lungs constricting. He wanted to run, to tie his shoes in a double knot and run so far that they wouldn't be able to find him. To live out the rest of his life without eating. Then everything would be fine.

Except it wouldn't be.

He wouldn't have his members, he wouldn't have STAY, he wouldn't have his music, and he wouldn't have any of the reasons he was still alive. He couldn't give up. He wouldn't give up. He wanted to, oh, _God, did he want to,_ but he couldn't. He promised himself, he promised _Chan,_ he promised STAY. He couldn't turn his back on his promise, even if no one else knew about it.

He felt thin arms wrap around him and he allowed Hyunjin to hug him. He allowed himself to be touched and comforted, even though he didn't feel like he deserved it. "Ji, it'll be okay," he whispered. Jisung only shook his head more.

"It will be," Changbin said softly. "Chan hyung knows what he's doing and you have all of our support, and you know you're going to have the support of STAY. Everything's going to be okay; you're going to be okay."

"We love you, Sung-ah," Woojin chimed in.

Jisung knew that recovery was in his favor, he was just scared. He didn't know what would be in store for him or if he would be able to handle it. All he could do was hope that he would be able to survive it.

But if he had the support of his members, then maybe, _just maybe,_ it would be possible.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 1am, 2 am, and 2-3:30 am respectively so i apologize in advance for this and any mistakes.  
> i wrote this instead of self harming for a couple of nights so i guess that s ... good?  
> hng sorry chrIS FOR DISAPPOINTING YOU  
> anyWAYS  
> thanks for reading.  
> if you're struggling,,, please PLEASE get help. this isn't worth it.


End file.
